I was a grown man when I was eight, shit at least I thought I was. I’d dressed myself for years at that point and the morning I thought I was a grown up, I had just made my own cereal. Old enough to crawl on the counter to the cupboard, just tall enough to reach the milk and way too naive about what life is like as a grown up. How could you blame me for not knowing? I think that’s most kids right?

When I was eleven I learned that I don’t know enough about how things could be, kids were angry, kids were sad. They smoked and drank and even though I already cursed, they were worse. When I was as little as little p would ever be. I dreamt of flying through phases I didn’t understand. I wanted a car so I could off-road alone, I wanted to go to work so no one would be mad at me for talking too much, I wanted to be able to smoke a cigarette like my parents, I wanted to be married and have a kid, I wanted to argue with my wife and make up and say I love you all while we had ice cream and watched a movie.

At 8 I was determined to start living my own adult life and strike out into the world by myself. By 11 the world started to scare me but the resolve strengthened. At twelve the self consciousness hit hard, Sunset was always popular, Papaya was depressed and I started not to like myself, over analyzing all the time and feeling lost. Thirteen made me want to try to appeal to more people, there’s no way I can say no one likes me if someone says it out loud.

We did what we could to be cool or different or even who we wanted to be until we started going through phases. I skipped the advice of 8 year old me and even if I wasn’t smoking cigarettes, we found lighters and smoke flew all the same. I tried to date without understanding, tried understanding without listening and still thought I was a grown man. 14 brought the thoughts about legacy, who I’d be, what I’d leave and who would leave with me. We made pacts I couldn’t break and I told people we were tethered in the most serious ways.

Green had a stroke and it left me angry. Angry at the loss, angry at the thought that our legacy would be fighting until the end. Me and green would eventually keep arguing but that’s just another one of those phases you know? I blew through 15, 16, and 17 still too far in the future in my head and letting the present fly by like trees on the highway. 15 was grown enough meet Pink and barrel through the relationship phase, young Peridot came out the other side of it realizing that if it’s love, it’s reciprocated. Young kid with old man feelings. I took my time to step back and be fully in that teenage phase. Young and dumb like Greens would say. Before I knew it I was headfirst into being too far ahead. I met Forest and couldn’t believe she wanted me first. Whether I knew it or not I was growing into being ready for the next phases I was so eager to be at. I was a grown man when me and Forest started to argue. Grown like the grown men before me that argued with their versions of Forest. I was a grown man when we split ways too. The whirlwind between those ages had pulled me back and forth, did I understand yet or was I still too far forward? 18 was spent wanting to be 19 and 19 was spent hoping to hold onto the things I had found like Lilac and now I’m not sure how grown I am since we’ve parted. 20 has left me in limbo. What phase do I care about? which are too far gone? Which are right in front of me and getting ignored with no thoughts? My brain would love to settle into being a “young adult” but god damn how could no one understand, when I was 8 I was a grown man.